On the Road…and out of Cleveland 6-13

We have concluded, after many long hours of driving, that Iowa and Nebraska are pretty much the most retarded states ever and that we never want to drive through their never ending flatness ever again.

Iowa:

We spent a lot of time here. We stopped at a small, surprisingly crowded, diner that I convinced Bridgette would be really good. After all, it was a small town (good cooking) and there were a shitload of old people there (old people are picky). Ok, so I blew that one. Our middle-aged waitress looked at us skeptically when we asked if the salads were made with iceberg lettuce…like we were crazies or something. “Iceberg?” she scoffed, “I don’t know.” Like we were idiots for calling lettuce anything but lettuce. And then we ordered the soup instead.

Next stop the Broadway Motel! We roll into Des Moines, it is deathly hot and I think we had on the shortest shorts any Iowan had ever seen. The Broadway Motel was not the continental breakfast sort of place. The pot of coffee in the lobby in the morning was the same one that was there the night before. But we got to watch TV when we went to bed, so Iowa was not all bad.

Nebraska:

There is nothing here, even worse than Iowa. It is a trap, there are no gas stations here. I think all the people who live here must have just run out of gas, and now they are stuck.

Colorado:

Phew…we are here at last. We took a slight detour north for awhile. The author, usually a directional genius I swear, advised the driver to take a wrong turn.

And then the driver said “Weird it looks like we’re going north, see the sun is over there.”

“Impossible” I assured her, “this road only runs East and West.”

“No we are definitely going north…”

“No the map says West”

“But the sun…”

And then we both shut up and starting rocking out to No Doubt for a half hour, mesmerized by the desolation…and then we turned around.